My thoughts after reading the Weed blog and also many other stories/articles on the subject of homosexuality

*This post is a follow up to my previous post two posts ago.  They are codependent blog submissions, so please don't read this one if you didn't read the first one first.

       I have seen post after post from my facebook friends about the story of the Weed Family (the homosexual mormon in a traditional marriage with kids who has made it work well). Though I do find the Weed Family's story inspiring and believe they have found happiness every bit as much as they portray in their blog post... I think that everyone (especially LDS people) should be just as mindful of the hundreds of times that gays attempting to be in traditional boy/girl marriages ends poorly. And please know that I write "poorly" in lieu of extremely heart-breaking and graphic stories of what normally happens to people who live lives of suppressed sexual energy.

I also appreciate these thoughts from our current church leaders:

From Elder Holland: "In doing so, recognize that marriage is not an all-purpose solution. Same-gender attractions run deep, and trying to force a heterosexual relationship is not likely to change them. We are all thrilled when some who struggle with these feelings are able to marry, raise children, and achieve family happiness. But other attempts have resulted in broken hearts and broken homes.".

This church article also speaks on the subject and states that traditional marriage is rarely the path to be taken:

"President Hinckley, faced with the fact that apparently some had believed it to be a remedy, and perhaps that some Church leaders had even counseled marriage as the remedy for these feelings, made this statement: “Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices.”

     It would appear to me, just from my FB feed alone (I truly think I saw at least 30 people post a link to the weed story), that many mormons are holding the weed story up as a standard to shoot for. As a suggestion to those in the church who find themselves tempted to lead a homosexual life. Or perhaps even as proof that mormons know how to be gay AND straight at the same time, as long as you want it bad enough. I have read a few blogs lately written by people who inferred the same thing as I did after seeing the majority of their mormon friends post the link. Many people who have actually GONE THROUGH similar relationships as the weed's now feel obligated to point out that the weed's situation and success is rare. Many of these stories I've read are depressing stories. This one, I really found to be enlightening on the subject however. I really suggest you read it:
In Which I Feel Compelled to Start a Blog Because of a Club and a Unicorn…


     So for me, I just hope we can show support to those in need of it. I would never condemn those who choose the path of the Weed Family by any means. If both parties are totally game to commit to the compromises that such a marriage requires, then I would wish them well and I hope their efforts are rewarded and satisfying. However, I do have more fear of the results in that situation than for someone who is homosexual and recognizes that a traditional marriage would not be a path that could ever work for them. For those people who know that they are innately homosexual and could not feign any form of heterosexuality... what should we as church members advise/support? Are we supposed to expect a life of celibacy? Well, if that is what that person feels God wants them to do, then I would support that as well. But what if someone really feels like they have done all that they can, and God is sending them on a different path?

     I recently watched this entire podcast by Benji Schwimmer on Mormon stories and it is the most beautiful and inspiring (though emotionally trying) thing I have read/listened to in years. I already knew and loved Benji from the show and I was really touched and grateful that he shares his story with us so candidly and truthfully. I believe every single word and detail and was deeply moved.

     So do I think homosexuality is a sin? According to prophets, I suppose it is. Do I personally view it as an abominable sin? I think it can be, and that is why prophets have spoken against it. But so can heterosexuality. It can turn into an absolute abomination. Studies and research suggest that the abominable side of sexuality rears its ugly head more often among homosexual relationships. I can't deny those facts, but could this be caused by the fact that until the last decade, anyone who was homosexual was more or less forced to live a life of nonacceptance, spiritual damnation, suppression, depression, suicidal thoughts, and social ostracism? Mankind by nature, when held under such circumstances for a long period of time, is bound to lash out in inappropriate ways. So, I dont know. With all of the seemingly very well-intended people who are finally sounding their voices about the fact that they are innately gay and that they truly have no choice in the matter AND that they want nothing more but to be monogomous and spend their lives with the person they love in the same fashion that heterosexuals would... I personally think we should let them make that choice. That is my personal opinion, however. And yes, it does not align perfectly with doctrine as set forth by prophets. If it truly is the case that the entirety of homosexuality is completely and utterly an abomination against the fabric of the eternities, then I suppose "it is what it is". It is incredibly cruel though, that that be the case, yet SOOOO many of God's children are born into bodies which are innately programmed to destroy their eternal progression. There must be a better way. The God I believe in must have a plan for those people too. It isn't one he has shared with us yet, but you know what? God hasn't shared A LOT with us. So I will just assume that God will speak to people afflicted with homosexuality individuality and hold their hand down the path that he wants for them.
     Many faithful people believe that God would prefer homosexuals to just suck it up and live celibate, lonely, and quite possibly miserable lives until they die and that they will be rewarded for their sacrifice in the afterlife. To that I quote 2nd Nephi 2:25:
 25 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.
     I believe that God wants us to be happy IN THIS LIFE as well as the next. Trials and tribulations will come. We are asked to deny any natural sins within us to the extent that we can. God is there to guide those who fall into the realms of "special circumstances". He will work it out with them in due time.
     Many people find it necessary to try to lump supporting the LGBT movement in with universal approval pedophilia and marrying animals or something. But those really aren't in the same ballpark in my opinion.  All civil and church punishments should ABSOLUTELY stay in place for anyone who deviates from consensual, age-appropriate relationships. But for people who just want to lead normal lives but with a partner that happens to be the same sex? I just don't see the harm there. Not to mention that by continuing to shun those who are homosexual, we are excluding/damning roughly 10-15% of the current population (depending on which study is cited).

    What it comes down to is that it is THEIR choice. People who are unfortunate enough to be homosexual and also God-fearing/believing have enough on their plate to deal with. They know what the scriptures say, but that does not always change what they feel in their hearts or what they feel God is personally telling THEM. So I can only conclude that our only role as heterosexual followers of Christ is to love one another unconditionally. This includes LGBT. Does that mean you need to be bffs? Absolutely not. Do you need to invite people into your home whom you do not trust? Absolutely not. It just means that we should try to show love and support in any way we can and not put ourselves in a seat of judgement. Accept people for where they are in their journey. It is not for us to tell them what God thinks of their sexuality. That's totally up to them and God alone.

Of all of the things said in the Weed blog, this is what holds truest to me:

 .

… If you know and love somebody who is gay and LDS (or Christian), your job is to love and nothing more. Let go of your impulse to correct them or control them or propel them down the path you think is right for them. Do what you need to do to move past that impulse. Do not condemn the choices your loved one makes. Love. Only love. Show your love in word and deed. Embrace them, both literally and figuratively. I promise they need it—and they need to feel like they can figure out this part of themselves in a safe way without ridicule and judgment. It’s what Christ would do. It’s what your loved one needs. Accept them. Love them. Genuinely and totally.

A particular mormon girl

    I have never felt that I fit the mold of a typical mormon girl. I am innately irreverent and I was born with a lively combination of a rascally streak and a subtle need to defy authority. Most anyone I went to high school with could attest to that; or even those who served their mission with me, lol. I can’t tell you how many times I heard, “Hermana, you’re definitely not like the other sister missionaries, but I wouldn’t change a thing”. Luckily I have more or less curbed my need to defy authority… but I still struggle with irreverence and being rascally. That is not what this post is about at all, but it is just a bit about me; the person writing it.
     I don’t take a traditional view on many things “mormon” and I definitely am one to ‘kick against the pricks’ when I feel that there is kicking needed. This does not mean that I support being sinful in any way. It simply means I believe in being open minded, loving, and supportive of people where ever they might be in their path to God. I have fallen victim to judging others at one point or another, but that doesn’t mean that I think I was rightful in doing so. Usually when I have called people out on stuff, it was mostly because I was jealous that they could justify breaking the very rules I wish I could be breaking, but have promised not to.
     My parents did an amazing job raising us to be strong members of the church. They also taught us to be free-thinking and independent. Unfortunately… I only really picked up on the free-thinking/independent side of things for quite some time. For the majority of my teenagerhood, I was only about 25% mormon. The rest of me was quite happy being a stupid teenager. By the time I turned 16 though, I came to the realization and understanding that the LDS church is true and that I wanted to be committed to it for the rest of my life. This process of conversion helped me to gain a personal testimony of the gospel that is invaluable to me. My time spent in a non-mormon world opened my eyes to a lot of people and subcultures that I might not have understood otherwise. Mine is not a path I would recommend to anyone else (definitely not to anyone between the ages of 10-18), but I honestly am so grateful that the Lord shaped me in the way he did. It made me who am I and also helped me understand the true value in the plan of salvation and in living a righteous life.
     When it came time to enroll in a college, I was very intimidated by the prospect. By that point in my life, I knew that I wanted to make good choices, that I wanted to truly be mormon, and that I wanted to marry a mormon boy. The best way to do that would be to go to a private mormon college. My biggest hurdle would be that I did not like being around mormons, lol. Aside from some dear friends I've had at church since my childhood, the majority of my friends during most of high school were distinctly not mormon; and I loved myself the most when I was with those friends. I wasn't sure how I was going to make it all work at an all-mormon college, especially one bound by an honor code no less. I applied for Rick's College and I was apprehensive if it would be a good fit for me and I was definitely right! I made some good memories there for sure, but one semester at Rick’s college was enough to make me realize how DIFFERENT I truly am from the the general mormon-mentality of rexburg idaho. Luckily, I was accepted to BYU and made a hasty transfer to greener pastures.
     After my experience at Ricks, I was afraid to go to BYU because I really doubted I'd find a good spot there for myself. When I showed up though, I was overwhelmed by how easy it was to find open-minded and just incredibly FUN people. Not only fun but just so smart! I was blown away by the caliber of people I was surrounded with and was so happy to be counted among them. People with an inspiring grasp of what the world is and where we should be headed. It was at BYU that I realized that I would be a good missionary. Choosing to serve a mission and the experience that followed changed me forever and I am deeply grateful for the opportunity. Upon returning home from my mission, I met a mormon boy that complements my personal mormon style perfectly, we fell in love and got married, and we started a family.
     So who am I now? I’m a rather typical mormon wife I am a homemaker, I paint my own artwork, I can sew basic things like curtains or aprons, I play multiple instruments, I stopped working so I could stay home and raise my kids while my husbands supports us, and I do whatever I can to create an atmosphere of love and enlightenment in our home. What kind of mormon am I now? A supportive and grateful one, I believe. But I still have a fire deep within me that gets the best of me at times. I freak out if people start to get too preachy at church about how we should dress, how we should look, how the only/best way to feel the spirit is through reverent behavior (reverence is great, but it is not the only way to feel close to God IMO), or try to over-define the way we should live our daily lives. I kind of flip out when we are told that there’s only one way to be. Pretty much anything taught at church that implies that "this is what a godly person looks like, this is how they act" is very hard for me to get behind. We should never feign to judge or make assumptions on someone's spiritual capacity based off of anything we can physically ascertain about them. We’re all different and we’re all on different paths. My personal revelations are not everyone else's and visa versa. As we draw closer to God, we will find ourselves wanting to change things about ourselves to express that love and respect. That is a choice that comes from within. People will see the examples set by others and will apply what they see if it is what they find to be conducive to their own personal will to outwardly express themselves. On my mission, people didn't have much money. Nor do they have the standards of "modest dress" that americans do. But they were some of the most loyal, deeply spiritual, and amazing people I have ever met. Also, there wasnt as big of a focus on being reverent all of the time, because they understand the value of being happy, giddy, and sometimes downright loud about how exciting the gospel is. The best part is that they did not care one bit how people looked like at church or in daily life. They were just happy that everyone was there. If they walked into a church up here though, I'm sure they'd be pulled aside and given a well-intended lecture. So yes, I think that we need to be more inclined to value how spirituality feels rather than how it looks and more focused on understanding the gospel than making lists about what we should and should not do. I shouldn’t let little things get under my skin at church like they do, but it just is what it is!

In closing, my favorite scripture is this:
Jacob 6:12: O be wise, what can I say more?
     Just before this verse, Jacob exhorts us to follow christ with all we have. Directly after this verse, he closes his writings by bidding us fairwell until the final judgment. Essentially, this verse is one of the last things he says in his early recorded ministry. What I personally take from his words is this: Don’t be an idiot and you should be okay. Don’t worry what everyone else is doing, don’t freak out about the little things that don’t add up or the big things that you can’t do exactly right every day. Just strive to be wise in the eyes of God and you will find peace in this life. That is what I strive for I guess.

This particular mormon’s view on a touchy subject

     Overall, I wound up being a resident of Provo and affiliated with BYU for nearly 8 years total. I absolutely loved my time at BYU and it made me INCREDIBLY proud to be a mormon for the first time in my life. You know what else makes me proud to be a mormon AND to have gone to BYU? This video:

Then in the same week I first saw that, I came across this article:
BYU’s Gay Mormon Panel a Huge Success, Overflow Crowds Turned Away

     I myself am not gay, but I feel deeply for those who are. As for gay marriage, I am a big supporter. Many mormons do no agree with my view on that particular point of discussion. Many would say it is in violation with the teachings of the church and that it slanders the sanctity of marriage. But to those people, this is what I say:

      What if the state said that we could not marry in the temple because the majority of the state does not believe in it? Wouldn't you contest for equal rights and for everyone else to keep their bias to themselves? That is why I support equal rights for gay marriage. Their belief system might be different than my own, but that does not give me the right to deny them from being in loving, committed, monogomous relationships. And honestly, God has changed his opinion on the restrictions and definition of marriage in the past; so I say that I will leave this decision up to him to sort out; if any sorting need happen on the final judgement day. While here on earth, I do not believe that supporting civil marriage for gays undermines our eternal views on temple marriage or family in any way. We ask for respect for our beliefs and rituals, so I believe we should do the same for others.

     This November, the state of Washington will have the opportunity to approve or disprove Referendum 74. Here is how the referendum will appear to voters in November, assuming its proponents gather sufficient signatures:

The legislature passed Engrossed Substitute Senate Bill 6239 concerning marriage for same-sex couples, modified domestic-partnership law, and religious freedom, and voters have filed a sufficient referendum petition on this bill. This bill would allow same-sex couples to marry, preserve domestic partnerships only for seniors, and preserve the right of clergy or religious organizations to refuse to perform, recognize, or accommodate any marriage ceremony.

Should this bill be:

[ ] APPROVED

[ ] REJECTED

     Personally, I approve this referendum. Happily and thoroughly. It is not demanding that the LDS church (or any church) perform gay marriages themselves. Nor is it demanding that we say that God does not view it as an abomination. It in fact is expressly stating that we reserve the right to continue in our current belief and marital practice system. It is simply granting the right for people to be married to the person that they love. To be truly monogomous. To make a vow. As for fighting to keep marriage pure, our plight is to ensure that within our own marriages. With 50%-70%+ of marriages ending in divorce and people marrying 3 and 4 times in their life… I don’t think that heterosexuals have any say on what constitutes a great marriage. So who are we to tell gay people that they would taint the institution? I would like to give them the chance to prove us all wrong.
     In closing, I leave the words of President Dieter F. Uchtdorf from this last week’s general conference:

"I don’t know exactly how to articulate this point of not judging others with sufficient eloquence, passion, and persuasion to make it stick. I can quote scripture, I can try to expound doctrine, and I will even quote a bumper sticker I recently saw. It was attached to the back of a car whose driver appeared to be a little rough around the edges, but the words on the sticker taught an insightful lesson. It read, 'Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.'
"We must recognize that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. Haven’t we all, at one time or another, meekly approached the mercy seat and pleaded for grace? Haven’t we wished with all the energy of our souls for mercy — to be forgiven for the mistakes we have made and the sins we have committed?"

     Prophets of old and new have taught that homosexuality is a sin. As such, I’m compelled to support that claim. But I have personally never been faced with that inner struggle. I have no idea what it means to feel like the people in that video up above feel like. Furthermore, I’ve never had God tell me in my own life that I should do anything but show love for my fellowman, and that includes homosexuals and bisexuals. So as far as I’m concerned, I will let God sort out what is and isn’t sin. For me, I believe that the majority of gay people seeking civil marriage are those who are doing it to show a token of monogomous, life-long love. And really, who am I to tell them they are incapable or unworthy of such a goal?

PS, this blog post comes specifically from Lori. It isn’t a Burkman or Ball Family blog post. It is just me posting my thoughts onto my own li’l blog.

Upon ending my 20s

     I always thought that turning 30 would feel weirder. I guess it will throughout the next year when I actually have to say it out loud to someone who is 23 and asking me how old I am. I bet that will sting a little bit.
     In short, my 20s were FUN! I loved living on my own, I loved playing guitar and singing out on the stoop of my BYU house until the wee hours of the morning. I loved dating when I wanted to and not dating when I didn't want to and meeting new people every semester. Parties, dances, AWESOME roomates, random weekend excursions to concerts on the other side of the country just because I could. I just really loved most everything about my college experience, both scholastically and socially. I was learning SO much at school and excelling there and it was really fulfilling, but at the same time I was growing and having a blast in my social life as well. It was just a really awesome time of my life that I will always love and cherish. I suppose I can't forget my amazing mission consumed 1/10th of my 20s. What a wild and crazy ride that was! Though college and my mission were freaking amazing... they don't compare to the last 7 years of my 20s which include SAM! Dating, falling in love, getting married, being newly married, graduating from college together, having kids together, getting our first big individual jobs after college, buying our first home together... it has all been seriously ideal and amazing!
     So though my 20s were the best time of my life so far; for now... 30 feels kinda good and doesn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. I have all of the things I ever could have hoped for by the time I turned 30. I have an amazing marriage that makes me happy daily, we have a home in a beautiful part of the country that is within a few hours drive of our family, I graduated from a great college with a useful degree, I have experience in a few very promising careers that I can take up again once my kids are grown, and I am happy to be spending my days with my young children to be here for them and help them grow. My day to day life is not glamorous in any way, but my existence in general is satisfying and just feels really good. I am happy with where I’ve been and I’m really looking forward to where I’m going; so I don’t know that I could ask for more than that!
     All that being said, I’m sure that the baby weight will linger longer this time and that my body in general is just going to start showing more signs of wear. If I part my hair in the wrong spot, you can see that some grey hairs are starting to sneak their way into the fold. Additionally, my hair was always a very pretty color of natural blonde growing up. I always loved the color it was, especially after the summer when it was full of highlights. Since I turned 25 or so and started having babies, it has dimmed into some kind of strange reddish/light brownish color. Definitely not as peppy or fun as the blonde of my youth, but I guess it just is what it is! Also, My knees and lower back definitely hurt if I wear my high heels for too long. I have lost the volition to wear makeup every single day or put much thought into outfits on days that I know I’m not doing anything of importance (which seems to be 75% of the time now). My daily life is definitely more lame than it was when I was 20, but it’s a lot more meaningful too so I guess that’s not such a bad trade off.
     Can I just say that my favorite thing about my 20s was losing that pesky babyfat I had been packing around since I finished puberty at age 16? I never felt fat as a teenager, not even pudgy. I actually had a really healthy body image. HOW THIS IS THE CASE IS TOTALLY BEYOND ME. I absolutely cringe every time I see a picture of myself between 16 and 22. I just had this hugely pudgey face. At the time, I thought it was my natural face shape, I had no idea I was just packing around a layer of fluff that I would naturally grow out of soon. It’s probably best I was oblivious to it because I would have been really depressed.
For instance, I am 20 or 21 in all of the following pictures and weigh within 5-8 pounds of nonpregnant current Lori:

 

Okay, that last one doesn't count... it's right after I got my wisdom teeth out but it was a hilarious picture so I threw it in there, lol.

      As for the rest of them however, I weighed about the same back then as non-pregnant Lori of 2012, and yet I was just puffy and swollen for some reason—especially in my face! Bleh. I’m just glad all of that magically melted away when I was 23. I grew some cheekbones and lost all of that filling, hooray!
     So yes, I am carrying 15 extra pounds of 23 weeks of pregnant right now, but I am much happier with 30 year old Lori than the 20 year old version and here's a random current pic off of Sam's phone to prove it :)

Balloons

I just read the most wonderful essay/article, which you should go and read here.

If you’re not a mother or parent then perhaps it won’t resonate with you like it did to me. But for me, it just hit home in an amazing way. If you don’t read the whole thing, then read this part at least.:

Dear mother of only one child, don’t blame yourself for thinking that your life is hard.  You’re suffering now because you’re turning into a new woman, a woman who is never allowed to be alone.  For what?  Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left.

When I had only one child, she was so heavy.  Now I can see that children are as light as air.  They float past you, nudging against you like balloons as they ascend.